Not another work day...

I came into work and looked toward the assignment board and smiled as I saw who my patient was.

"I told them not to give you him...", the ward clerk said.

Confused, I said, "What?" and as they started telling me what happened, I was already walking out toward his room.

"See you Tuesday", he said. I waved back, "Yep, see you Tuesday."

That was the last time I saw him alive - always smiling, always warm. He and his wife were sad that I was off for the next three days. His wife told me that he liked me very much. He said he liked me as his nurse because I cared for him. I thought it was an odd thing to say considering other nurses have cared for him and I only had him back for 2 days since the first time I cared for him.

"I feel anxious and a little scared", he told me a month earlier about the thought of being intubated.

He remembered me from the one time I had him a month ago before he was intubated. I smiled.

"I want everything to stop."

At a meeting with the physicians and family, he told them that he wanted the tube-feeding to stop the following week. My eyes watered and a tear rolled down my face as he spoke. I thought I saw him glance my way temporarily, and then he resumed speaking. Did he notice? I hoped not.

"Be strong, be realistic, but be hopeful at the same time", I told him. He smiled.

He decided on Monday to also remove the oxygen. He decided right after one of his favorite shows, he wanted it done. He removed it with his own two hands. He went peacefully throughout the night they said. There was always someone at his bedside.

His wife didn't know of his decision. I didn't know. I only knew of the tube-feeding. He didn't want his wife to be sad.

Needless to say, I cried.

I didn't know if he could hear. I bent down to whisper in his ear to say my last goodbye. His breaths were shallow and erratic, pulses barely palpable. A few minutes later, he was pronounced dead.

"I told them not to give you him..." she repeated. I said, "No, it's okay."

I cried as I did my post-mortem care. I removed a rubber ID band he wore on his right wrist that indicated he had a smart port and kept it. It was rubbish to everyone, but to me, it was something more. I wore it that day and I smiled each time I saw it.

I'll always remember you.